A conversation with a guide

Before "Is this it?", I asked. "No, it isn't", came the answer. A calm, strong, confident feeling embraced me. It took a minute to get a grasp of the fear slowly crawling inside my stomach. "Thanks for letting me know in advance. If this is not it, then I'm not going to get into it at all. I don't want to get hurt." "You don't have to get hurt if you don't want to." "Aha, that's not quite the way things work on this level. If I open myself up to something and fall, I am going to feel enormous pain." "Why would you?" "Look, the land of feelings and emotions is a shaky area. Let me put it this way: it's like a dam breaking, and all the water bursts out. Once you open the dam, you have no control over the water. If I know I may drown, I'm not mad to open the dam." "Nice metaphor, but it's only words. In reality, you have asked for this, you have created it with your mind and attracted others into it. Now you have to go through the experience, there is no turning back. You know that the dam is broken, and the water is out." "And I'm fucking scared of drowning." "If you cannot let that fear go, you may drown, yes." "Let go of the fear, come on... I've gone too far, this thing is getting out of control, then I just had to face that this is not it... and now you are talking about letting go of the fear. But how? What shall I do?" "Just let it be. The way it is. And enjoy. It will be good. Also in the long run, believe me." "Sounds easy." "It is easy." "Then why does it feel so difficult?" "Don't ask a question you know the answer to. It's because you make it difficult. With your affection, selfishness, pride, vanity and desires." "Isn't it what makes me - me?" [I'm not Jesus or Muhammad, my love is not - yet - selfless and unconditional.] "No. It's your consciousness, courage, dignity and humour - the unique mixture of these qualities in you. So, just let it be, have fun. Your love will eventually find the right form of expression, and this thing will help you to get there." The calm, strong, confident feeling takes hold of me again. It's alright, it will happen the way it needs to happen. "Okay, I will let it be, and do my best to make it a great experience for everyone involved." "Just don't try too hard. You know, just take it easy, it will be okay, and you will not drown even if the dam happened to break. Rather, this water will clean you to the pores."

***

After

“How do you feel now?”
“That’s what I’m asking, too. I was hoping you could tell me.”
“Okay, put it into words if that’s easier for you.”
“Well, I feel like a tightrope walker without a safety net, like an astronaut up in the space without a solid point to hold on to, where the laws of gravitation cease to apply. I feel out of space, out of time, empty like hell… an empty shell. It’s dark, and I have no idea what the next step is going to be.”
“What does it feel like?”
“Dunno. Weird, I guess. I have three mixed feelings. First, I knew this was going to happen eventually: not because I’ve created this sort of reality in my mind, but simply because I knew this was the nature of this very thing and it was supposed to be like this even without my fears… which I managed to get rid of in the most part anyway. I just thought it would last longer and lead to further experiencse (although I know there is no such thing as time and this experience is a valid one in itself). Secondly, I feel proud of myself for courageously opening the goddamn dam in spite of my fears, and I’m even more proud of not drowning. Yes, this water did cleanse me indeed.”
“And thirdly?”
“Oh well, thirdly I feel lost, confused, lonely, somewhat ashamed I admit… and still a bit wet in the rain, to be honest. Hopefully I don’t smell though…”
“It’s okay. You are a very brave creature. Don’t be ashamed of this whole thing, you have grown and given a lot. Do you realize you have stepped beyond your own borders? Do you know you have faced your darkest fears, managed to let them go, and then were strong enough not to get lost in petty ego-things like self-pity, hate, pride, blame, vanity, selfishness, unhealthy affection and bonding?”
“You know too well that my vanity and pride were greatly involved in this story, and I also have issues with the rest listed.”
“But you also know too well that this is not you, not the real you but your external shield called ego. It is there to protect you, but don’t let it define you, you are way beyond that.”
“So in the end, I feel I am safe and sound, but perhaps the way my ego was harmed hurts me a bit, I guess. The damn thing is still too attached to me.”
“Don’t worry, you are not just safe and sound but also strong, courageous, and very conscious. Now the water in the river you talked about is in you, and it slowly finds the right flow… as your love is strong, lacks labels and lets go of selfishness. And you love so many things and people in the world… it is on the way back to you. It cannot happen any other way.”
The calm, strong, confident feeling is back, perhaps stronger than ever.  I just hope it will remain with me…