A conversation with a guide
“How do you feel now?”
“That’s what I’m asking, too. I was hoping you could tell me.”
“Okay, put it into words if that’s easier for you.”
“Well, I feel like a tightrope walker without a safety net, like an astronaut up in the space without a solid point to hold on to, where the laws of gravitation cease to apply. I feel out of space, out of time, empty like hell… an empty shell. It’s dark, and I have no idea what the next step is going to be.”
“What does it feel like?”
“Dunno. Weird, I guess. I have three mixed feelings. First, I knew this was going to happen eventually: not because I’ve created this sort of reality in my mind, but simply because I knew this was the nature of this very thing and it was supposed to be like this even without my fears… which I managed to get rid of in the most part anyway. I just thought it would last longer and lead to further experiencse (although I know there is no such thing as time and this experience is a valid one in itself). Secondly, I feel proud of myself for courageously opening the goddamn dam in spite of my fears, and I’m even more proud of not drowning. Yes, this water did cleanse me indeed.”
“Oh well, thirdly I feel lost, confused, lonely, somewhat ashamed I admit… and still a bit wet in the rain, to be honest. Hopefully I don’t smell though…”
“It’s okay. You are a very brave creature. Don’t be ashamed of this whole thing, you have grown and given a lot. Do you realize you have stepped beyond your own borders? Do you know you have faced your darkest fears, managed to let them go, and then were strong enough not to get lost in petty ego-things like self-pity, hate, pride, blame, vanity, selfishness, unhealthy affection and bonding?”
“You know too well that my vanity and pride were greatly involved in this story, and I also have issues with the rest listed.”
“But you also know too well that this is not you, not the real you but your external shield called ego. It is there to protect you, but don’t let it define you, you are way beyond that.”
“So in the end, I feel I am safe and sound, but perhaps the way my ego was harmed hurts me a bit, I guess. The damn thing is still too attached to me.”
“Don’t worry, you are not just safe and sound but also strong, courageous, and very conscious. Now the water in the river you talked about is in you, and it slowly finds the right flow… as your love is strong, lacks labels and lets go of selfishness. And you love so many things and people in the world… it is on the way back to you. It cannot happen any other way.”
The calm, strong, confident feeling is back, perhaps stronger than ever. I just hope it will remain with me…
It will, for sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is it so difficult? Because you are a tender, gentle, sensitive and caring person. And very deep. Plus, you are a female crature. Enough said???
I read it again dear sis. Thanks to Gmail for keeping the chat-history.
It is so true!! But as you know me, I’m already busy, fixing the dam. Hurt, tired, covered with a big scar, I’m standing in the river….. fixing the dam..
Maybe you remember the story I wrote, long time ago already, and how it ended.