Green leaves, sausage on the grill, laughter. I’m so happy to be with my friends, and feel so loved. I run up to B. as soon as I see her appear.
“So glad you came… and not only because of the booze”, I say. We hug long, then she looks straight into my eyes:
“Oh, and I almost forgot… I still owe you a huge kick in the ass”.
“Me? What for?”
“Your recent online amok of self-hatred and pity.”
“Oh that… I completely forgot about it. It was just a moment.”
“But you shared it with the world.”
“Oh, it was a filtered post, not everyone has seen it.”
I do care about my public image.
“But hey, you know what you just did? Everyone has moments like this, I’m not saying you shouldn’t. But this is not the way we handle it…”
“Okay, I know”, it slowly begins to dawn on me, “I was feeding a thought I should not have fed. I should just have seen it as a thought, say >>the thought in me has appeared, hello thought, goodbye thought, fuck you thought”, then focus on the cool things instead, and move on.”
Lecture well learnt.
“Or if you can’t, simply call a friend and tell them about it. We either hug you or kick you in the ass, depending on what you need.”
“Are you aware of your responsibility? You are teaching people! You are respresenting something! It’s your god-given, self-chosen path, you see, and you don’t just destroy stuff you have built like that!!”
“You are right. Thanks for kicking me in the ass.”
For a second, I realize it is one of those few cases I don’t say “okay, but…”. Seems like I run into more instances like that these days, perhaps I’m growing up.
And then she hugs me again, and we open the booze.
Now, a few hours later I sit here with tears in my eyes. She is so right. Everyone has low moments like that. It’s even okay to talk about it. Even to do so in public, at times. But I must be aware of what I’m doing, and not just spill my shit on anyone and everyone, regardless of the context. And no, I’m not diving into the fields of false hurray-optimism from now on, but will be more selective of how and where I put my thoughts.