I was woken up by a heartbreaking sob this morning. My friend was calling me.
“What’s the matter?” – I sat up.
“I feel so weird” – me too, I thought, but realized it’s probably not the best to get into details, my problems are always so absurd and sick compared to her down-to-earth, straightforward issues. She is the reflection in the mirror called “normal life”, she never struggles with problems like “not being the best at something you want to excel at”, “being unable to create value in the fear of not being good enough”, “falling into the trap of weird neptunic spiritual crushes”, “not finding your feminine side”, “only being involved in your own daydreams as a narrator” and the rest. Considering how many friends I have that are artists, goths and freaks, I often have the feeling that without her I wouldn’t even have an idea what “NORMAL, HEALTHY HUMAN BRAIN” as such happens to be. If there is such thing at all, may I add. XD
“I have no idea what to do, really. I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have been thinking, thinking for three months, but still cannot decide if I still love him… I mean, love him, that way. We had sex this weekend and it was great, for the first time in months. Don’t you think that I should be happy that I enjoy being with him and even sex is great?”
“Well, if sex is great and you love spending time with him, what’s the matter?”
“I want to party without him, go out without him and flirt with other guys… perhaps even have sex with them. Seven years is a long time and I barely have any other experience…”
“Okay, we all get these thoughts, some of us even give in to temptation, but …”
“I see, but my problem is that I’m so bored of him, so fed up with him, so annoyed by his stupid things… and sometimes even hate the idea of having to touch him, esp. Saturday nights when I could go out and flirt with guys…”
“If you feel like this, the answer is simple. You are not in love anymore, better let each other go.”
“But see, I can imagine my whole life with him. I can picture him as a great husband, a great father, my best friend, he supports me in every possible way…”
“Okay, theoretically. But in reality you are not only bored but also sick of him and can’t stop dreaming and talking of other guys…”
“But what if I throw away the love of my life, the only person I could share a life with just because I’m bored and he has a lot of stupid things I hate? He still can change if we get married… and I may get bored of any other guy after seven years, right? Do you think it’s normal to get bored of somebody after such long period of time?”
“See, it really depends, there are no rules for these things. In your case, it’s more than boredom. The conversation we are having right now happens every other week, it must mean something”
“But I can’t let him go. And sometimes I feel like I so don’t want to meet him, touch him. I can’t decide. What would you do?”
“Told you five hundred times.”
“Has your opinion changed?”
“Since Wednesday? No. And it’s completely irrelevant what I think anyway. You must come to terms with your own feelings as soon as possible, not me”
“But you always know what you feel, don’t you?”
“Not really, many times I have not the slightest clue”, I laugh out loud. Obviously, my worries in the past 10 years have been WAY TOO WEIRD AND ABSURD for her to comprehend, so I never get into intimate spiritual details.
“If I could choose, I would just put things on halt, be with as many guys as I can, flirt with complete strangers on the bus, party hard with my friends… and then in a couple of years get married and start a family with him. Do you think I would feel like this in any other relationship because I’m like this, it’s in my personality, or simply because everybody feels like this in long-term relationships?”
And it goes on like this. There is nothing I can say, everything I had to add had been discussed in the past few months (ten times a day, in fact). I love her and I want the best for her.
All I can add is the silent realization that human relationships, especially male-female relationships, are the most incomprehensible, weird things in the world, even if you are the most annoyingly normal, down-to-earth girl in the universe.